Monday, November 22, 2010

Why my house is like the bermuda triangle...

("My precious")

Things that are lost in my house, and (mostly) never return.

1. Kid toys...

There must be some law that after visiting a fast food joint, grandparents' house, or childrens' party, my children MUST come back with toys that Mommies would rather never have enter their house. They are either extraordinarily loud/annoying (i.e. the little Panda from Kung fu Panda that Mickie-D's gave us in our Unhappy meals that screams HI-Yah! when you move his arm), Dangerous (i.e. Yo-Yo's, things shaped like food that aren't food, and/or conversely, things that look like coins but are really chocolate and lead children to later taste more coins from Mommy's pocketbook) or Destructive (i.e. Bouncy balls, Bubbles- they look sweet and innocent but soon after opening result in a slimy mess all over child, carpet, & furniture and are somehow always swallowed... damn you Bubbles!).

Invariably when these things come into my home, they are fought over tooth-and-nail, held fast to ("my PRECIOUS"), and end up lost about 574 million times a day leading to tears, stained furniture, and/or gut wrenching pain as Mommy steps on them and re-discovers them.

No wonder these things dissapear into the void/trash can mere hours after entering my home.

2. Ryan's stuff- My husband is a pack rat hoarder. Seriously. I'd enroll him into one of those programs with steps, but he's too cheap to pay for it, and is in denial to boot. He expects me to keep and find a place for his crap, too, which is bad in two ways. First, when it involves documentation of sorts (such as bills, warranties, manuals to things... I hate them and invariably toss them in the dreaded boxes they came in...doesn't everyone?) it always comes back to bite me in the a-s. I know keeping important documentation for things, like, say, the deed to our HOUSE, is important, but I just can't see how we need to keep the 1 year limited warranty for our veggie peeler is that stinkin vital. But sure enough, 9 months after purchase, the damn thing invariably breaks in some warranteed-fricken fashion and Ryan hollers, "Mel, where's that warrantee?"... and I go and pretend to look in my big black file box for it and then fess up that "it's gone and I threw it away and I deserve to die for said crime but please, sir, show me some mercy. " This is followed by the "head shake"... Ryan has nailed a whole hour's worth of guilt trip with one simple maneuver.

Secondly, we have his stupid-crap-from-childhood. He has a whole trunk full of old army figures from his childhood and old MAD magazines, for instance. "They might be valuable" you say? Nay, I say. They are missing arms and have bent pages and such. Therefore, they are crap and must be "lost to the void". His ancient Nintendo is another example. While awesome for its nostalgic potential, with games, it takes up a whole laundry basket size space in my house, which is not ok... especially since Ryan will take it out only once every couple of years, then use it for a couple hours, leaving me with a vomitous pile of nintendo games, cases, wiring, and other associated mess to clean up after his semi-annual Nintendo orgy. THESE. MUST.DISAPPEAR. I'll get caught some day, but the peace I'll enjoy in the mean time is so way worth it.

3. Other Various Stuff Lost To "the Mommy brain".

This list includes things that I have lost over time due to lack of sleep and or the disturbed frame of mind that comes from having requests, orders, and whines thrown your direction 24/7 by small (and large) angry people who live in your house but don't pay rent. So far, among these things are counted untold numbers of sock-mates, whole tubs of baking supplies (sometimes later found in my closet or in the cabinet where we keep the movies), gallons of milk, a pizza cutter (my very fave pizza cutter... I miss it so... an awesome multi-tasker in the kitchen), remote controls, cleaning supplies, and bras (sometimes found in Caleb's toy box, thus continuing the saga of my boy's love of all things boobs, ew.).

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My "I'll never" list...

This was so not my idea... got this one from "Rants from Mommyland" but I'm too lame to figure out how to link it up so if you wanna read the origional post this is based on, googleityourfrickenself cuz' I'm tired and cranky and Caleb woke up early again, dangit. Anyway, here are the "I'll never"'s I swore on before I had kids...
1. I'll never count to three... pshaw... yea right. It really is magic. Really. I've even counted to a dog once shearly out of habit. They know when their butt's really on the line to watch out cuz' Mommy counts really fast when she's extra ticked off.

2. I'll never yell. HA! and HA again. I know one day DYFS (aka the Mommy Police) is going to show up at my door to check in on us because the neighbors are hearing me thru the walls and our leaky windows.

3. I'll never have children who don't learn to sleep thru the night early. - Caleb didn't sleep thru the night till he was 14 months old, and still doesn't about 40% of the time. Nuff said.
If you could hear his little toddler thoughts they'd sound something like "go screw yourself Dr. Ezzo... now find that lady with the boobies and the comfy rocking chair!"

4. I'll never have a DVD player in my car. That was before I found myself saying things like this: (also on my list of I'll never say THAT"'s)
"Stop touching her!"
"I'm gonna pull this car over, I swear it"
"Did you just throw your shoe at me?! Oh no, it's ON now kiddo!"
"Mmm-hmm. Thaaaaat's nice" (after being regailed by 30 minute rendition of a made up song about boogers and the apostle Paul)

Dammit- somebody find me a Barney and hit PLAY quick!!!

5. I'll never give them candy as a bribe. ... they now get lollipops as a reward for reading progress and a pizza party with ice cream for big accomplishments. Yay for that "not-reinforcing-food-as-a-feel-good-moment" thing Mommy. Suuuuuper.

6. I'll never use the phrase, "Time out!"... how lame is that, right? well, three kids later, I just put Hannah in there after her brother hit HER, so I could get some peace and quiet while on the phone with the cable guy. I can deal with her complaint and the resultant trial and punishment of Caleb afterward because if I'd have put him in time out I would have had to heard "all done timeout Mommy?" 8 million times from Caleb while I was on the phone.

7. I'll never bring them shopping with me at Walmart/I'll hire a sitter for them first. This is the most hilarious of my "I'll nevers" I remember seeing the poor mommies of 5 pushing their kids down an aisle with people hanging off every surface of the cart and invariably at least 1 kid wandering aimlessly in front of the cart screaming hysterically for some junk food item whilst Mommy stares off into her blissful happy-place looking as if she's had one too many shot of Jack before heading off in the family van, and I would think... "that will NEVER be me. I'll pay out the butt for a babysitter first"... Ha! That was before I found out you have to mortgage your house to afford a babysitter these days if you have more than one kid.

Do you have any "I'll never"'s?? Care to share?