Monday, January 24, 2011


"What'r you lookin' at! I'll cut you, I swear I will"

Being a homeschooler, I read things about what my kids "need" at certain ages, like little to-do lists for my kids' brains. On one of those lists, it stated that it would be a good thing for my kids to start listening to me read some chapter books fitted for their age. Some of the lists even had lists to detail which books might be good. For example, Beatrix Potter's "Tales of Peter Rabbit," "Winnie the Pooh," etc. etc. As I read the list, my eyes became big as saucers, dreaming of the lovely tales I could read to my little ones as they sat, enraptured by the adventures beloved by so many over the last century. Lets just say I was more than a little shocked by what I found in these "children's" tales...
Peter Rabbit- the gist of the story is about a dishonest, disobedient little bunny whose father was murdered by the farmer next door, who, along with his cat, has a vicious bloodlust for cute and cuddly furry creatures. And don't get me started on his cousin, Nutbrown Hare and other associated stories. The book read almost like a preschool Stephen King tale, not that it mattered much because my poor little ones couldn't go two sentences without asking me what the outdated vocabulary meant.
Winnie the Pooh- This is not the cute, cuddly, silly band of creatures that Disney animated for the world. Pooh is a moron who takes little care for others around him, and he and Piglet are at times quite thoughtless and mean. The other characters act out their story equally as carelessly, but not in the cute child-like way Disney imagined, but more like they're in some sort of weed-induced haze. And again, the vocabulary made it so unmanageable that my little ones could never keep up anyway.
Peter Pan- This kid is in serious need of a whoopin. Just saying. He is a mean, selfish bully with a bloodlust that rivals Jack the Ripper. Seriously, picture Neverland as something out of Lord of the Flies, and you've kinda got it. I kept waiting for Piggy to be named among the Lost Boys. I read a chapter yesterday where nary a single character went without bragging at least once about how many times or how brutally they killed someone. And lets talk about the "Darlings"... these lazy fools leave their kids in the charge of a dog on a daily basis, and when Dad purposefully poisons the dog with his "Medicine" (cocaine much?) in front of the children, they even banish the Dog, the one responsible character in the story, so that their children are subsequently kidnapped by Peter while Mom and Dad are partying at the house down the street. Somebody call DCFS.

I'm not sure what's next on our reading list. I'm thinkin "Little House on the Prairie" is the only safe choice, but everytime I think about the storyline it makes me yawn. How am I supposed to draw my 4 year olds into the world of books with that? In the meantime, I somehow have to invent a machine to turn back time and erase the memory of murderous boys, cute little bunnies hacked up or baked alive by murderous farmers, and moronic stuffed animals come to life and acting out like they're in a drug-induced stupor.

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