Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Things it's better off not to ask when Mommy has PMS

Everyone knows that there are certain times each month when you must tread lightly around the ladies of the household, and so I decided to create a guide of things NEVER to ask at that time...

1. Do you see that dirt over there?
This one is a particularly dangerous question firstly because I am already a rabid cleaner, but at this particular point in time, I'm like Monk on Meth... any and all dirt is ridiculously obvious to me and irritates me to no end. Secondly, if you should happen to brave this question, please know it will only end up in hard labor... for you, not me. I will hand any and all offenders, no matter how cute and sweet and pie-eyed, a dustpan or wet cloth and send you packing in the direction of the dirt until said dirt is eliminated.

2. Where's my breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack?

This question is especially problematic if I am, in fact, making the requested food. Normally I'd calmly ask for your patience while I finish, but at this particular point in my sanity break, I am likely to stop what I'm doing and take a big 'ole bite of whatever I've been making and then throw the rest to whoever DIDN'T ask the question while the offender in question goes hungry. I may even throw in a loud rendition of the old "There are starving children in China!" lecture, as well. Just sayin'... you've been warned.

3. Do I have to?

Um, did I ASK you to? That pretty much means you have to. In fact, it is implicit in the asking that one should then go and do what was asked of you, or face the consequences, which in this time frame aren't pretty. My normal threshold from zero to spank involves counting and timeouts and loss of privileges before spanking occurs, but right about now my hand is itchin for some heiny and your pluckin' on my nerves will lead straight to it. This means you too, Ryan.

4. Are you eating MORE chocolate/drinking A-NOTHER cup of coffee?!

If I am, approach with caution. This is like the Orange level on the homeland security terror alert scale. It means I'm almost at the end of my rope and I may likely lose my schmidt at any moment. Back away slowly and do not ask any more questions. Pressing me further will push me to the red zone, signified by beer in hand and butt in view as I walk out the door for my 10 minute Mommy time-out, lest people be injured in by the concussive force of my raging hormonal explosion. Meanwhile, if you had just let me enjoy my Hershey kiss and cuppa Joe, things will usually drop down to level blue, or "Guarded," meaning you can ask me to read books or play video games with the reasonable expectation that I will not shoot daggers out of my eyes, and I may even smile sweetly and comply. Picture a lioness both before and after she's had a big old steak... which one would you approach... hungry lioness, or happy-sated one?

"Just throw her some Ben and Jerry's and hide until she's done"

5. Are you in PMS? (For Ryan)

Are you crazy? Do you poke the guy in the insane asylum and ask him if he's lost his marbles? Do you ask the inmates at San Quentin what they did to land themselves in prison? NO! Neither do you ever, e-v-e-r ask this question. Firstly because, duh, I'm going to flatly deny it. Secondly because, if I am, you just acknowledged that you have been observing MY behaviour instead of looking deep into your heart and thinking of the many wonderful ways you can show ME how much you love and adore me at this trying time. Think of how you would nurture a sick person... wait, no... you suck at that... think of how you'd treat your Mom if she was sick, and then act like that. Bring me food, let me watch t.v. and otherwise keep your distance unless summoned.

I'm sure at some point I'll have more to add to this list, but it's helpful to remember at this point that I love my family very much and will return to being my sweet and loving self in a short 7 days (or sometimes, luckily, less). I apologize for the bad behaviour in advance, and send hugs and kisses. I know it's tough for you guys, but I promise to feel nicer soon. In the mean time, can you stop chewing so loudly?!

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